Regrets

Kelly Oxford usually tweets some gnarly/funny stuff. It will bring you to tears (of joy) and it reminds me that it is possible to find someone who can accept all of my weirdness (she often tweets about her family). But tonight as I was decompressing from a crazy day and peeing for the first time in 10 hours, I saw one of her tweets pop up with a “SERIOUS” disclaimer and a link to an article. So many people rushed to this link it crashed the site; so she tweeted another link about the same “SERIOUS” article. This site also crashed. I finally read the article on her tumblr and I thought it would be a great article to share. With the year coming to an end, we can’t help but reflect on what we’ve done for the past 300+ days. It’s what we do. Back in November 2010 I made friends with a group of guys while I was in New Orleans, they were a TON of fun and we had a great day kicking it at the pool. One guy in particular hung out with me all day and we had a great time. We laid out in the sun and played and laughed and made friends. Will and I also share a birthday on December 30, which made him even cooler. Now, I’m not big on sharing personal information but I think this is important and relevant. Will killed himself if February. I don’t know why, I don’t know what he was going through but I know that so many people loved him and thought he was amazing and it still amazes me to see how many people still write to him. Every single day someone tells him they miss him, they love him, they have dreams about him…there’s always an amazing message. I happened to keep up with one of Will’s best friends, Franky and we still chat/text/message on a regular basis. Franky was super quiet when I met him, almost snotty, but after Will died, Franky decided to live. He quit his job and spent his savings living. He traveled and moved and played and vacationed and laughed and lived this year. Franky has inspired me to live in 2012. I haven’t taken a vacation since 2008, I’ve worked every weekend except when I went to see my mother and this past Sunday, which was Christmas. It’s not that I don’t like working, I absolutely love my career but when I die, I don’t want to have one of the five themes from this article on my mind. I don’t have a New Year’s Resolution. I just want to try to truly live. I know a few people who I’m certain will end up with some of these thoughts on their mind but I’m hoping you’ll read this and decide you’d like to live without regrets as well. There is always time while you’re healthy.

Listening to:
To Build a Home by Cinematic Orchestra
Blindsided by Bon Iver
Breathe Live by Cinematic Orchestra


NURSE REVEALS TOP 5 REGRETS OF THE DYING
From Arise India Forum:
“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

You’re such a douche bag, your ego needs a sidecar

Everyone wants to know about my worst date ever and I don’t blame them; I’ve been on some great ones and some really terrible ones – especially lately. Last night’s date tops the charts and makes me want to stay in on a Friday night with some spaghetti Bolognese and my laptop (currently happening and I’m having a great time). I met Waldo (name has been changed so he doesn’t try something stupid, like sue me) 45 hours ago while I was walking towards my apartment. He drove by in his stealthy tinted car and asked me if I wanted a ride up the hill (red flag #1…there are several). I told him I didn’t get in cars with boys I don’t know and a limo tint. He seemed funny enough but eager to know me: when I moved here, where I’m from etc., all in a matter of two minutes. After some small talk he asked me for my number and for some stupid reason I gave it to him. Sure enough he texts me the next day to get some drinks. I finish at the spa at 8, we make plans to meet after that. Side note: He knows I was so busy I didn’t eat until 4 p.m. He picks me up on his bike (Harley, not some ridiculous neon green street thing – I would not have gone for such a thing) but not before he has to go back to his house because he forgot my helmet (red flag #2) and I notice he is going in the opposite direction that he said he lived in the night before…interesting. When I asked him why he said he lived up the hill when he actually didn’t, he informed me he was “a bit buzzed” when he was driving home the other night and he got lost taking the back roads (red flag #3). We cruise down the street and he informs me he’s taking a class at the Scientology center. That seems a little strange or a lot strange but I like weird shit so I want to see what’s up with this. Until he tells me we’re parking at the Scientology Center. I’m actually stepping onto Scientology turf. We park the bike and then he tells me he wants to show me around. Oh shit – but again, I like to touch the void so let’s do this. We’re poking around this compound which looks like Versace and Liberace got together and took over the décor and that’s when he holds my hand (red flag #4). Now, I’m not ice cold; I like physical contact, I hug, I snuggle, I kiss, I hold hands…with people I know. But I overlook this because I’m too busy scouring the bushes to see if Suri and Tom are in there, giggling about their new high heels. We make our way across the compound while he is audibly and rudely talking about what a cult the religion is – which may be true but how about we get off their turf before we say so? Finally walking across the street towards Birds (great chicken) I’m in the middle of telling him about The Copa when he blurts out “how tall are you?” (red flag #5). I finish my sentence and he says “you didn’t answer me” and I say “because I was talking. I’m five feet tall.” He says “you remind me of my high school girlfriend.” (#6 move on, super senior) I dismiss this as well because I figure we should at least have one fucking drink before I decide he is the most ridiculous idiotic human on Earth. While walking across the street he asks me what I’m doing for New Years and I tell him I don’t know yet, and then he says “getting a girlfriend is on my list for 2012.” (#8 I should have ran for dear life…shame on me) I’m explaining to him that I believe relationships should happen naturally and organically when, he walks by the valet guys and starts speaking Spanish to them – I guess this is supposed to impress me? Maybe he thinks I can’t speak another language, or understand it? He talks to them about how cold it is outside and the fact that he’s cold (in Spanish) and keeps walking. I asked him why he wasn’t wearing a coat if he’s cold (in English). He said he wasn’t cold, he feels fine (in English). Huh. Ok. We walk into the restaurant, he makes a bee line for the bar, which is packed so there are no seats. I decide to ask the host if he can seat us and he tells us the tables are for diners only. Waldo tells him we’re only getting drinks, which is awesome because I just got off work and haven’t eaten dinner but this guy wants to take me out at 9:30 p.m. For drinks. (#8 feed your fucking date) We grab a spot outside next to the lamps and he actually gives me the warm seat which is nice. Our server arrives seven seconds later, but I haven’t had a chance to look at the menu. However Waldo knows exactly what he wants and he’s getting a Johnny Walker Black with a splash of diet coke. I ask the server for another minute while I look over the wine menu which he says sounds “sleepy.” I’m not a big drinker, and I have to get up at 7 a.m. and I let him know both of these things. He says he’s not trying to pressure me into anything. This is where shit gets real. Waldo starts asking me about everything. I mean everything. He wants to know about me, my relationships, what’s wrong with me, why I’m so closed off and how I should be open to everyone. I tell him that isn’t how I function and that that shouldn’t come as a surprise to him, seeing as I was the very same person the night before. He tells me about his grandfather who is “83 to this day” (which doesn’t seem possible, but whatever) and how he has always been open to everyone. But I’m not, and I’m not going to be. He points out that this could be the reason I’m still single (#9 – where do I start.) and tells me that I’m mean but I’m probably a different person to people who know me. He proceeds to tell me about how closed off and guarded and broken and jaded and bitter I am and all the while I’m leaning further and further back in my chair – I can’t get more distance between Waldo and I. I try to tell him that he’s being a bit too forward and he needs to just chill out and have a good time but he is very adamant in letting me know that I need to calm down and chill out. I’m seriously so speechless at this point, I can’t think of anything to do but look everywhere else but at him, which he points out is my being paranoid. I look at my nails and he comments on how he’s sure I get them done allll the time. Like it’s a bad thing. He lets me know that I’m bad at dating and tells me I have Napoleon syndrome. I tell him I’m fine with my height, I actually love my height (truth) and he tries to explain to me that it seems like I’m trying to compensate for something. I tell Waldo in order for me to feel the need to compensate for something, would imply that I believe I have a shortcoming which is not the case. By this time, he's on Johnny Walker #2(#...I lost count). I've already decided to not get back on his bike. I try to change the subject to work which leads to my mother, leading to him saying I’m rude and mean because I don’t want to talk to him about my mother. There are probably 17 other put-downs I’ve probably forgotten but this is the last straw. I start digging through my purse, looking for my wallet while I tell him he’s called me rude and mean and neither are true. I fish out a $10 bill, throw it on the table and tell him bye. I don’t even leave through the front, I escape through a crack in the patio tarp and walk as fast as I can to my friend James’ place which is luckily ½ block away. In this time Waldo has already called me and texted me four times (see conversation below) Thank God James was watching a movie with a friend that night (+1). We passed around a jar of icing (+2) while talking about our horror stories and James juggled fruit (+3) and successfully made me laugh (+4). Oh, and he also fed me dinner (+1,000).
Listening to:
Don’t Stop (Unless you’re a d-bag on a motorcycle) by Foster the People
Nighttiming by Coconut Records
When did your heart go missing? By Rooney
West Coast by Coconut Records
Fader by The Temper Trap
Pull My Heart Away by Jack Penate
Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club
Passion Pit