Big Trouble, Little China

Or, a blonde American’s survival guide to accidentally booking an overnight stay in China. 

Yes that’s right, as I type this I’m in China.  In typical Nat fashion, I booked a flight and thinking that I had all my ducks in a row, managed to miss a couple of important details.  Like the fact that my next flight out of Kunming Airport was 13 hours after my arrival.  I don’t know how I didn't see a red flag when booking this but I think I was juggling a flight to Thailand at the same time.  Regardless, here I am in China in a very rural town, I think – I can’t Google it because the internet is controlled by the government and I’m not allowed access to Google, Facebook, twitter…not even my own blog.  Crazy!! 

I did start to freak out a little bit while at the airport; I mean what the hell am I going to do for 13 hours in China? 

The immigration people at the airport took me into the back area of the airport (not typical procedure here) where I could pull up my itinerary and prove to them that I in fact had a continuing flight from here to Shanghai.  I was under intense supervision the entire time using the internet in China is a very big privilege which they do not take lightly.  I mean, that immigration woman was standing thisclose to me.  Pulling up the ticket I wanted to be all “See??  Right there it says my connecting flight is in an hour!  Can I go now?” but when we opened the email she didn't even notice the problem, I had to point it out and explain to her what had happened.  My mouth literally popped open in shock, I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before, and I had just looked at the itinerary the day before.  Crap.  The head of immigration was nice enough to give me a 24 hour visa with the adamant demand that I was to be out of the country the next morning.  He was so the picture of Chinese Communism, on his high tower above all the immigration stamp workers, it was almost ironic. 

He gave my passport back to me and without a trace of sarcasm or warmth he said “you make sure you know what time your flight is tomorrow and be here for your flight.  Do not stay in China longer than 24 hours.” 

All I could say was “Yes! Yes, 7:30 a.m., I’ll be here.  I’m here.  7:30 a.m. tomorrow”  Small pause… “and could you also recommend a reasonable hotel for me to stay tonight and also tell me how to get there?”  I had succeeded in turning Chinese Immigration in a travel agency.  WTH??

Ruckiry as I was leaving the airport a nice man asked me where I was going and when I told him I needed to get to Airport Hotel he turned out to be my amazing Chinese guardian Buddha.  He spoke English very well and he was very excited to tell me about the new airport I was in, take me to the ATM and then to the hotel.  In the back of my mind I was thinking “please don’t take my kidneys, please don’t take my kidneys, please don’t take my kidneys” and he didn’t!  He arranged for a wake up call for 4:30 the next morning as well as the hotel car to take me to the airport in the morning.  He also set up my wifi and let me know it was safe to walk around the area and get some food. 

I went to a little Chinese restaurant and even though I wasn't hungry but I thought I should eat some real Chinese food since I am in China (!!!).  I stuck out like a sore thumb in that one-horse town.  People actually stopped what they were doing when they saw my blonde head bobbing down the street.  Their eyes would follow me all the way past them and then I could hear them talking as if they were saying “Did you see that girl?  What is she doing here?  Is she lost?”  And then they would all laugh.  Haha, so funny guys!

After dinner at the local greasy spoon I took a scorching hot shower and I was so excited to climb into my fluffy bed and watch a movie on the flat screen in my room but my hopes were shattered when I flipped through the channels which were ALL Chinese – not even a BBC station.   Thanks Commies!  Ugh.  *rolls eyes.  No worries, I thought.  I’ll just write this little ditty on China instead.  Looking forward to my 4-Star bed I pulled the covers back and plopped onto…a wooden platform disguised as a mattress.  The bed was basically a board covered in linens.  I couldn't believe they went through all the trouble of making the bed look so lush just to sleep on a hard flat surface.  I guess it’s a cultural thing to have extremely firm beds, I’d Google it, but I’m not allowed.