“The dog days are
over.” - Florence and the Machine
When our friendship started four years ago, my job was to
blog about X’s performances as a DJ and the parties we collectively threw with
Bacardi. X and I were friends; I saw him
perform every week and often times he would stay in the same hotels as the rest
of the road crew so we eventually became friends. We had inside jokes, I knew about his wife,
and we all had a great time together.
After the tour ended we loosely kept in touch and right before I moved
to LA in August 2009 I saw his show in Kansas City. We had a blast catching up but I kept my
distance with the divorce in full swing – it just wasn’t the right time. All this time we popped into each other’s
space, keeping up with the next move: mine to LA and his as an award winning DJ. Time passed and it wasn’t until two years
later that I saw him again. His plans to
move north were gone, as was his wife. X
made it look and sound like he was in a good place. We both finally had free time in our schedules
to hang out and set a time and place, meeting at his house on June 18th,
2011. He was excited to show me his
neighborhood and take me to his favorite spot.
I was excited to see my friend but I was also positive that I didn’t
want anything beyond friendship with this person. And then I pulled up to his house, parked my
car and hugged him. That moment changed
my life for forever. I will never forget
where I was standing, what I was wearing and the way I felt the second we
touched. It was like electricity had
shot between us – there was an undeniable pull, even though I didn’t want
it. I was happily single, I was having a
great time with my life and I didn’t want this.
But they say that’s when it happens.
“I think I might have
inhaled you.” - Stateless “Bloodstream”
We had a great time that night. We talked and laughed till we cried, we
caught up on each other’s lives, we told stories, listened to music had drinks
and late dinner and before I knew it, seven hours had passed…it felt like 7
minutes. I still didn’t want to get
mixed up or involved with X. I just
wasn’t ready for anything. But he was so
charming and funny and driven and successful and convincing. I couldn’t stop myself, I spent every
possible second with X. I cooked for
him, went to his doctor appointments with him, picked him up from the airport,
took him to the airport, taught him how to eat healthy, grocery shop and put
his life back together. We even picked
out bed linens for his house. We were
completely consumed with each other. He
would give me a skateboard lessons in empty parking lots, we spent hours
driving through the mountains getting lost and talking, laughing, listening. Other times we would just stay “home” on the
couch and hold each other. We would
watch the sunsets from his house up in the hills and then we would look at the
stars in the sky and the skyscrapers that twinkled in downtown LA. It was the first time I’d been in love in
years. I remember him telling me I would
break his heart and I remember thinking “yes, I probably will.” When X was on the road and staying in hotels
he would call me at after his shows, so he could hear my “sleepy voice.” We would talk for hours. It was amazing how well we got along. I had completely fallen. He didn’t want to be with anyone else and
neither did I. Even when the red flag of
his divorce popped up and I wondered aloud if I should back out, X asked me to
stay. He said he wanted me there.
“What if I leave” - Rachael Yamagata
It didn’t last long.
I don’t know what happened, but somewhere along the road things
shifted. One day X told me he was going
to an art exhibit with a girl. It was a
date, but he informed me it was one he didn’t want to go on, but he had
promised her. By this time X told me
about the girls he’d dated since his separation from his ex-wife. How he dated them for months and they would
want more but he wasn’t ready. The
ultimatum of a relationship was ultimately what did them in. That and the girls not understanding his
work/schedule/life. I promised myself
that I would not make the same mistake those girls did. I wouldn’t try to force him into a relationship
and I was sure we were so meant to be that that would never be a problem. I didn’t count on the fact that X wasn’t
playing with a full deck. In fact, he
was 100% completely fucked up and he was hiding it all from me. One second he was telling me he had stopped
dreaming until I came into his life and the next he was on date after date and
telling me he’s just not ready yet. By
the time he had his headliner show at the Palladium in Hollywood I was holding
in 75% of my thoughts and my feelings. I
wasn’t myself. I was dying every day, hanging on his every word and trying to
get us back to where we were. I barely
got tickets to his show, practically begging for a +1 and when I got to the
venue he wouldn’t answer my messages or calls.
I was completely embarrassed that I took my friends to see the guy I was
crazy about and he wasn’t even responding to me. But I played it cool and made excuses about
how stressful it is to prepare for this show and all of the demands of his
job. The only reason I even saw him
afterwards was because his road assistant saw us and took us backstage after
the show. X treated me like I was a
distant friend instead of the person who had been digging him out of a black
abyss for the past few months. But when
the show was done and we were home he came straight to me for strength and
collapsed into my arms…and I put him back together again.
“It's not a silly
little moment, it's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying
breath of this love that we've been working on.” – John Mayer “Slow Dancing in
a Burning Room”
And so it went on for months, me giving him every bit of
love and light and positivity that was mine and X giving me scraps to barely
keep me alive – but it was enough to make me believe there was a chance. They way he looked at me, they way he knew
me, knew my body, knew how to touch me, talk to me, look at me…I had enough
hope and strength for the both of us.
All the while he was dating on a regular basis - I didn’t know the
extent or the amount of this until September, I may have been in denial, but I
thought I was the only one in his life.
I had clothes at his house, I had makeup, shoes, toiletries… I had
drawers. Even now, more than a year
later it hurts to tap into that time. I
can still see the color of the rugs, his towels, the art in the stairwell and
the custom piece that Shepard Fairey did for him, hanging over the fireplace;
as well as the nails that remained where his ex-wife took her art when she
left. The drum set in the corner, the
key hook by the garage. I can even
recall the smell of his house, and him…I can see his grey/blue eyes. They changed color when he was sad. I wonder if they’re grey now.
“When the day is done
And I lay me down
I sit alone in my
lonely bed
And I think about
The day we had
And it makes me sad
'cause you're gone” - Polica “Wandering Star”
X still pops in to my head almost on a daily basis. But I don’t miss him. I believe it’s the pain he put me through
that keeps him in my head. I don’t
really wonder why or how anymore, now I just wonder what reality was. I know he doesn’t miss me, I know he doesn’t
want me and I know he has completely healed from any residual pain he may have
felt from our situation. My thinking
this thing was as big as it was is completely inaccurate. In the end it was nothing to him. I’m sure if someone asked him, he’d say he
would like to be friends. The situation
didn’t carry the same weight for him as it did for me. I adored him too much and I don’t even know
how that happened because he definitely didn’t deserve me. I’ve learned to take my time healing, I
thought I would have been over it months ago but every time I’ve thought I’m
100% whole, I walk out to the end of the limb and it snaps and I have to start
all over again.
“I can't recall how
your skin used to smell, I just remember how you shut the door. And I don't
need you anymore.” Chris Harford
So I go on without him and I’m glad about that. In hindsight I would never want to be with
someone as narcissistic as X. I could
never live all of my life for someone else and I believe that’s what he
wants. I’d rather live my life with someone else. However, I admit some part of me misses the
connection I thought we had. There are
just too many strong memories to replace him like he did to me. X caught me in a perfect storm of disarray,
low self-esteem, loneliness and struggle and I have to chalk that entire year
up to a learning experience and a lesson to never be what I was ever
again. I will take as long as I need in
order to be sure that I’ve fully recovered from everything he did. I know
I’m healing because I don’t want him back, but I know I’m not finished because
I wish him a lot of pain and regret.
There will come a day when I will forgive him and I wish bad things for
him. That revelation is new to me, I
thought I would never see that light at the end of my tunnel, but I can see a
faint twinkling light way off in the distance. I will find strength from myself, my family,
friends, God and the Universe to make sure I’m a better, stronger, smarter and
most importantly a more selfish person. I’m
nearly positive I’ll never hear from him or see him again. This city is small, but it’s big enough for
that – especially since we live on opposite ends of it. We don’t have any mutual friends aside from
his assistant, and we don’t eat at the same restaurants or go to the same
shows. It’s just…over. Black and white. Finished.
A severed tie.
What follows is a sort of “diary” of my emotions during the
unraveling of our love/hate story.
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